How the fuck do you “process” an emotion?
Unprocessed emotions. Do we like that phrase? It’s annoying isn’t it. I don’t love the word “process” in regards to emotions because it makes it sound like it takes force and effort to do the work. Sometimes the biggest inner shift comes from a more gentle and compassionate approach. So, I’m going to switch up my lingo here a little, maybe just to create a new annoying phrase. I’m going to call it, “unwitnessed” emotions.
I thought I was emotionally intelligent in that I could recognize and name emotions. That’s a part of it, but really what I’ve been doing most of my life is rationalizing my emotions, or more so rationalizing other peoples’ behaviors. Understanding why they said something mean to me somehow made it hurt less. Piecing together the story of how my sister died, made it more poetic than painful. This rationalization got me through, but it denied my emotions the right to have a voice; to be witnessed.
Through self-reflection, reading articles, and conversation with others about their emotions, I’ve started to get the idea that emotions are like little meta versions of ourselves; inner friends. Think about it. When you’re trying to say something and no one is listening. Do you just drop it? NO! You fester! The desire to be seen and heard becomes more pungent. Even if it’s disguised with drawing back and hiding, the desire to be seen is still there. Same with our emotions. They just want to be witnessed. They just want to be heard. So when we ignore them, the emotion has its own emotions about not being seen. It compounds from there.
When we’re in a heightened emotion, the Amygdala part of your brain hijacks the whole system. You’re in fight or flight mode, with little access to your prefrontal cortex, who is in charge of rational thought and emotional regulation. A little catch-22. Amygdala leaps into vigorous action, trying to problem solve and ensure safety. Great in an emergency situation, but for a regular old emotion, it’s a little overkill. It’s not in the nature of the amygdala to slow down and observe.
What if we treated our emotions like we would treat close friends? We would listen to them. We might say, “Hey hey. I see you. It's okay that you feel this way. What can I do to help you with this?” I’ve noticed that giving my emotions space to be seen and heard – to simply witness them – fulfills their needs. It softens them, and lets them “process” to completion.
Every emotion has something to say. Anger is telling you a boundary has been crossed while with gratitude, some value has been honored. Guilt lets us know that we have compromised one of our own morals. Fear shows us that there is something we appreciate that could be lost. Sadness shows us that something we cared about WAS lost. Emotions are telling us something about ourselves that wants to be heard. And just like a friend unloading a burden, sometimes just listening is enough.
According to neuroscience, an emotion typically takes about 90 seconds to dissipate. If it takes longer, your mind might be ruminating or attaching yourself to the story around the emotion AKA, amygdala is still driving.
90-Seconds of Emotional Witnessing
Find a private, quiet place to sit, close your eyes and take some deep breaths.
Turn your attention inward, let the emotion come to the surface. Invite it in as you would a friend into your home. Let the emotion know it’s accepted here.
Study your subject without interfering. Try to let go of the insighting or associated story that caused the emotion and just observe the feeling of it.
Notice if there's a sensation in the body associated with the emotion (sometimes just a small quiet tingle in one shoulder, sometimes a tightening in the throat, etc…)
Keep breathing while you quietly observe this sensation. Let tears come out of your eyes, let sounds come out of your mouth if they want to. Follow the sensations.
Observe it until you notice something has changed, and then observe it a little longer.
Take a few more breaths in this quiet observation.
What happens when you do this exercise:
Doing this practice of engaging with the emotions purely as a sensation is a 2-for-1. First, setting down the story and shifting focus to your body and breath let the amygdala know we are not in immediate danger and it can take a little break. This lets the prefrontal cortex come back online and often leads to a little aha moment. Secondly, that emotion’s need to be seen and accepted is fulfilled and its job is complete.
Your emotions are your friends, there to guide you along your own morals and values. Let them be witnessed.
