Maybe They Just Need to Shit
At times, I’ve made myself sick trying to read the micro-expressions of my peers, and guess what they’re not saying. I’ve assumed they’re not telling the truth when they say “it’s fine”. One time on a vacation, my friend and I ended up going to an amusement park that neither of us actually wanted to go to, simply because we both were trying to be so nice and agreeable. We both thought the other person wanted to go, but just wasn’t speaking up for themselves. While the act was supportive, the result was not high vibes.
Maybe we identify as hypervigilant, or people-pleasing. We may even have done the work to uncover the root of these behaviors, and understand how the way we were raised trained us to be overly concerned about other people’s emotions to ensure our safety. But what do we do now? Is uncovering the source enough?
Awareness is a great tool. Recognizing the programming that created this pattern you have as a default mode in your soft computer – aka your brain – is a great and necessary first step. Realizing that the story you’ve created in your head may not be the truth; that’s next level.
In most cases, the need to know what other people are REALLY thinking and feeling is an impulse born out of fear. We want to control our environment so we can feel okay. But control is an illusion. We don’t actually have control over anyone but ourselves, nor is it our responsibility to manage other’s emotions. Each human has a universe inside their mind, a whole lifetime of experiences and DNA, and thoughts and patterns of their own. Their patterns and programming are not exactly like yours. They have a different set of values. They don’t make decisions just like you do.
Instead of doing detective work, one day I decided to try taking people’s words and actions at face value, just to see what happened. It required a lot of letting go, and the result was less anxious thoughts filling my head and more capacity for presence.
There are observable facts and there are our personal assessments. Recognizing the difference will set you free.
Imagine you’re telling a story at a party, the person you’re talking to makes a weird face and excuses themselves. Immediate insecurities rush through your mind. “Does my breath stink? Did I say something wrong? They don’t like me“ 🙁 The thing is, you can never really know what that was about unless you ask them and/or they tell you. Maybe it wasn’t about you at all? Maybe they remembered they forgot to call their mom to follow up on some medical results. Maybe they just had to take a shit. Even still, these are assessments. The observable fact is that they made a face and walked away. Without the story, it’s just as simple as that.
Next time you find yourself making up stories about what’s happening beneath the surface, try stepping back, and grounding yourself in the observable facts. What’s happening in other people’s minds is their own responsibility, as what’s happening in your mind is your responsibility. Choose thoughts that serve you.
